Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I don't even know where to start. I try not to get too personal in this blog that's dedicated to crochet, but it's just starting to take too much effort not to disclose my personal struggles. Last week, I found out that the company that I work for, who already doesn't pay me enough to make ends meet is closing our location in August. I thought to myself, what's next?! The only reason that I've been with this company so long is so that I could find an ideal job (which this was supposed to transition into but never did). No ideal job yet. So, now I have to just get any ole job. I must say, that one thing that I've learned how to do well since becoming a mother is crying with no tears. I refuse to let my children grow up with harsh memories about the struggles I go through to keep them at peace. Don't get me wrong, I want them to understand the value of a dollar, but as I bite into this delicious pear which I can't afford, I can't help thinking "damn!, I can't even enjoy my pear." I don't want them to have these types of mental struggles. I think that more than anything I am angry. Very angry of my current existence. I know what I'm experiencing is nothing new under the sun. I've been doing this solo thing for sooo long now that it is getting really old. I kept hoping to see God's miracle of grace before now (like I normally do). But nothing yet. He hasn't let me down yet, but then again, I haven't been in his presence as much as I used to. No where near. I'm so conflicted!

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